Don't Mess With The Blonde Chick
by ballsbusterbrooke
Summary: It's not fair. But then again, what is? I don't want to be here, I never asked for it. So why? Why the hell am I here? I don't have any powers. Hell, I don't think I even have any chakra...bummer. Semi self insert
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Mess With The Blonde Chick**

Two years. Two fucking years. Seriously, this has to be the most fucked up shit I've ever encountered in my life.

I don't know how it happened and I don't know why, it just is.

Let me back up a little bit and explain my current situation to you. It's not going to be like one of those things where I was sucked through the television into this place, I just kind of woke up here. I remember where I was before and what I did before. I worked a normal job, had normal dreams, normal friends, normal family and a pretty much ordinary, non exciting life.

Well, up until it wasn't.

As I said before, I just kind of woke up here.

Where is here? I've already gotten past all of my denials and hysterical crying fits already so I'm just going to let you know I guess it's in the Naruto realm or dimension or something.

How did I find out? Well, a giant ball of fire that almost killed me my first day here was kind of a clue. I've never really been a Naruto die hard fan, but it doesn't take much to put two and two together. Needless to say after that happened I hightailed it and got my ass out of there as quick as I possibly could. Which really isn't that fast considering I'm not that athletic. At all.

Luckily, they really didn't want much to do with me, being too busy fighting these other people who are like shooting wood out of the fucking ground, but I wasn't about to take any chances so I went absolutely as far as possible.

Which I guess wasn't really too far considering my lack of athletic skill, I just kind of ran until I couldn't run anymore.

Now, I'm not one of those people who are really knowledgeable of living off the land like Bear Grylls or the guy from Survivorman, but I somehow managed for two years.

It wasn't pretty though.

I became sick quite a few times off some of the stuff I tried to eat that I thought look like something edible from their TV shows but it's really hard to remember when you're terrified right out of your mind most the time. I learned how to be pretty evasive to stay away from the weird people who were throwing fire around like it was nothing or the people bringing up roots from the ground like they were some sort of Poison Ivy fighting Batman.

Needless to say, I've changed lean-to shacks multiple times over the past few years. As soon as I heard the rumblings or the grumblings of something that didn't sound like it should be there I pick up and moved pretty quickly. I was extremely adamant about not becoming one of those people who put themselves in the fray. I'm more of a realist. I know my limits and I'm not about to push it to save or help someone I hardly know preferring to hiding in the woods where no one, hopefully, would find me. If they were abandoned, and no one else was there, maybe. And that's a pretty iffy maybe. After all the death I've seen and heard they could just turn around and kill me too once I heal them. I want to help, but I'm not stupid. That was a risk I wasn't very comfortable with taking.

Pretty much, I'm mostly more inclined to save my own skin over someone else's. Unless it's child, really is hard to leave a kid behind. Especially after all the screaming I've heard sometimes and just the fire I've seen. I can imagine how terrifying it be for a child. Sadly, I've already come across a few of charred battlefields with the remains of small children left in them. It was heartbreaking to see, but there's really nothing I could do for them at that point. I have a limited knowledge of basic first aid skills, but nothing that can help against 2nd 3rd degree burns. Or wooden spikes large through their chests. Not sure if anyone could help with that. The best I could do for them was bury them to at least to give them some resemblance of respect.

So that's pretty much what my life's been like for the past two years. Lots of running and lots of hiding. I ran into a couple people before, I think they were merchants or something. They had a good size caravan behind them and were very kind to me. I met them as I was collecting water at a small stream and they were nice enough to allow me to have an extra pair of worn down looking shoes that barely fit me and an old dirty looking brown kimono style dress to pair with the black leggings I already had. It pretty much look like a longer shirt on me because of my 5 foot 11 inch height but it was better than being naked, so I was going about to bitch too much. They were the only nice people I have met pretty much my entire time here that didn't want to rape me, rob me, or use me as a slave. Which, in all actuality, happened a couple times and let me tell you what, I ran faster from them then I did from the people in armor.

It was all ugly as hell, but beggars can't be choosers at this point and honestly I just didn't give a shit and I really wanted something clean to wear besides the leggings I had worn along with the pink mesh shirt with a black tank top underneath. Needless to say the colours didn't really shine through any more like that used to and the pink was a little bit of a beacon to anybody with eyes. I'm not a fan of drawing attention to myself after seeing what I've seen here. And the old mesh top works for that perfect time of the month when Satan's sacrificial bloody waterfall took place. Yeah... Life was pretty bad.

Moving beyond that point, all of this back story brings me back to this point. This one instant in time where I didn't look the other way and run. Which in all honesty is what I should have done, but like I said before it always starts out what the one thing I couldn't look away from. The one thing I just couldn't turn around and leave to let whatever would happen happen. Like I said before it's really hard to leave an injured kid when they're all by themselves. So of course, the one time I stick my neck out for someone, seems to bite me in the ass.

 **AN**

 **Okay, first chapter is up! Yay me! It may start out a little bit slow, but it picks up later. As always, usually the introductions are the most significantly boring. But you know, nothing ever turns out great without a little bit of back story. Now there's any issues or grammatical errors please let me know as I am very adamant about correcting those. The next chapter should come out within the next day or so as I'm currently almost done with it. I know it doesn't say the main character's name yet, or what kid she finds, but it'll come out in the next chapter. This was just pretty much setting everything up. Let me know what y'all think.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 I'm Mises Brightside

I don't know what they tell you on TV, but foraging for food sucks balls. Straight up.

Which is what I was currently doing. After a couple years I realized I wasn't one for being able to catch small game or even a deer. I just didn't have the strength or the know how to do it. Not only that, I didn't really have anyone with experience to teach me. So I've been kind of on a vegetarian diet for a while.

I fucking miss meat.

I'm thinking about it now, a juicy cheeseburger. Or a foot long hot dog with chili and cheese on it! Or, hell, I kill for some lasagna.

Must. Stop. Thinking. About. Food.

And on cue, the rumbling of my stomach seem to agree with me.

Living with little to no supplies, besides when some merchants decide to take pity upon me and give me a little bit of rice or a small fish here or there, really puts a damper on your will to live. I don't even know why I still try sometimes. I just kind of don't even think about it, just following through a daily routine I set up for myself. Wake up, find food, Pee in the woods, run for my life, try not to get raped, find more food, and then pass out wherever seems safest. I've never been one to be a complete pussy, but this situation has clearly proven that I am capable of being just that.

Bitch, I ain't afraid to admit it. I guess I'm just too scared to die. Or too stubborn. I guess it's a 50 50 shot on which one it is.

And this is where I currently find myself.

I walked about a half hour away from my current rugged lean-to shack to find some sort of fruit to nourish myself. The fruit here was quite similar to where I was before, and it hadn't me deathly sick...yet.

Reaching in my brown , worn down top, I pulled out a small rucksack to begin putting the Apple like fruits in to take back home. As I was just filling up my bag I could have swore I heard sniffling. Not like, animal stifling finding food sniffling, but human person could be murderer or rapist sniffling.

I froze on the spot.

I tied the bag of fruit with a small piece of rope to the makeshift belt I had the middle of my shirt, I turned around and started as quietly as I could making my way back home. Like I said, anything strange and I run away. Thus, why I've been alive for this long. Even if just barely.  
Till I heard a small voice behind the sniffling.

"G-g-et away from me!" I heard a small voice say with less conviction and more fear.

Damnit.

I was already turning around before I realized it. If I was close enough to hear that, then they weren't that far away from me. I don't know if it was the curiosity that drove me to go see who that small voice belong to, or the fact that the loneliness here was starting to get to me.

As quietly as I could, I made my way up a set of rocks that were above where I was pretty sure the voice was. From my vantage point I could see the backs of five adult men facing a small boy, who clearly looked terrified out of this tiny little skull. He was holding up some sort of knife towards them, I guess, thinking that it would help. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out five against one weren't that great of odds. Especially if you were a boy probably ten years old or so.

 _'I could leave him here_ …' I thought. ' _No one is here to blame me… I'm not super girl or anything. What was expected to do against these guys, carrying giant weapons, and poor little old me with the only thing to defend myself being a bag of apples…?'_

Before I could even think to come up with any type of plan to at least let him escape, one of the men move forward towards the small boy with hair half black and half white. He took out a small knife from his pocket. I had a feeling this was going to be bad

Oh look! I was right.

Without any prompting of any kind, or any warning of any sort, he put the knife right through the boy's shoulder. The screaming was instant. I almost dropped my apples off my side in shock, giving away my position. I couldn't believe that shit just happened. He was just a kid! It wasn't even a fair fight either. They were going to torture him. It wasn't that hard to figure out.

As a small boys agonizing screams continued, I knew I was about to do something stupid. These past few years I pride myself I'm not getting involved. But as I watch the small boy being clearly outmatched by these dumbasses, I knew I was either going to help him, I was going to commit his face to memory, so that the guilt would kill me before the starvation did.

I guess I already had my answer huh?

But what could I do with six apples?

Well, if I was to die this way at least I'd be helping someone. I won't have to worry about this bullshit that came with trying to live off the land. I've been spoiled too much in my old life I guess.

Oh well… Fuck it. I threw the bitches.

Now, I didn't just chuck em' giving away my position. My first instinct was to try to save us both at least. Going into the sack, I took the first apple. My plan was to throw it as far as I could and pray that would distract the goons allowing me the window to motion for the boy to run. Hopefully it'd work.

As quietly as I possibly could, I reared my arm back in preparation of an arc throw towards the opposite direction. Distance was key. If I could get them to at least check out the noise for even a few moments, I could make due with that.

I then let her fly.

Turns out my chucking skills weren't half bad.

All five heads instantaneously turned on the apples direction. "What was that?" one asked.  
The man with the knife shrugged. "I do not know. You four go check it out. I'll stay with the rat." He replied while effortlessly removing the knife from the boys shoulder. The boy continued to cry. The others nodded, leaving immediately. Shit…they were all suppressed to leave! I guess that was just wishful thinking. Of course they wouldn't leave the boy completely alone.

But beggars can't be choosers I suppose. But how to distract the last guy? I had to think fast, the others would be returning soon, and they work probably realize the apple was a decoy.  
I knew there was one way, not involving weapons, that I could distract him. He was clearly male.

Yeah…I didn't want to do it, but it was all I had. The boy better be fucking grateful if this worked.

I moved quickly down the side of the rock to a position on the man's left, mindful to keep bearing on where my camp was to assist in the escape after. The guy hadn't noticed me, thankfully. The element of surprise was essential here.

"Hey! Hotstuff!" I said removing my hair from my tie and moving my hands to the hem of my shirt.

Two sets of eyes snapped on my position. I made eye contact with the boy, shook my long blonde hair out, and winked with a smile.

"Who are you?" the goon asked, eyes narrowing as he lifted his knife to chin level in a threatening gesture while sizing me up. "Leave before I kill you."

Choosing no reply, I smiled at the man, whilst flashing him my girls.

Instantly I heard the weapon hitting the soft leaves below. I thought the whole bloody nose thing was exaggerated. I guess not because this guy was losing about a pint of it out his schnozzle onto his black tunic.

I looked over to the boy, my face in all seriousness, even with my tits flapping in the cool air. His face was beet red, and he was doing his best to maintain just eye contact with me.  
I mouthed 'Run' whilst jerking my head toward the direction behind me. He didn't move. I did it again, putting as much intensity into my baby blues as I thought I could. That seemed to snap him out of his reverie. He moved hastily towards the woods to my back.

"Um….eh….You… _cover yourself you immodest woman!_ " the man all but shrieked from in front of me as he covered his eyes, face resembling a tomato.

Still choosing to remain silent, I began retreating into the foliage, my top still up to keep his eyes diverted underneath his hands. When I was far enough away, I dropped my shirt back down and booked it. I headed straight towards my camp. Damnit. I'd have to move again. It probably wouldn't take them long to find it once his sanity was recovered.

I hope that boy got away though. Then I suppose it'd be worth it.  
I made it back to camp at break-neck speeds, collapsing all essentials that I could carry with me without slowing me down.

I was putting the last of my dried fruit in my make shift backpack, when I heard leaves crunching behind me. I jerked around instantly, startled.

It was that funny haired boy. He was holding his shoulder to stop the bleeding and staring at me with a look of wonder and slight apprehension adorned on his cute little face.

"You ok, kid?" I asked while continuing to pack the last couple of my things. He just continued to stare at me before starting to sniffle. Oh, hell. I know the kid was hurting, but now was not the time to dally. Those guys couldn't be far.

Putting my pack on, I motioned for the boy. "If you're coming with me, then move. Those men are too close. I can help wrap your shoulder when we are safe again. Then, if you have family, I'll try to point you in the right direction. If you have none, then you can stay with me if you'd prefer, but now is not the time to discuss this. Make your choice, you can either make it on your own or travel with me. What's it going to be? Two seconds to make up your mind." I said quickly while beginning to move east.

Small footsteps beside me answered in place of words.

"What's your name?" I asked quietly, hyperaware of my surroundings. I wouldn't be calm again until there was enough distance between us and those thugs.

He looked up at me with big baby brown doe-like eyes, "I-Itama. S-senju Itama. T-t-thank you for saving me…" Oh God, I could already tell I was in trouble. He was fucking adorable.

"I'm Cleo. Short for Cleopatra. And you're welcome. Now, we better move quickly." I said as I began to sprint, with little Itama followed dutifully behind me.

AN

Bwuhahahaaa! There. :D reviews are nourishment to meeeeee!

 **Iluvfairytale: you were correct! And thank you for being my first reviewer!**


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